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Come with us on a hilarious and sad adventure through some of our favorite phone calls, from the truly hopeless… to the totally clueless. Enjoy!
In a New York state of mind(less)
Hey… do you all buy really old American Bibles?
If they are pre-1800, we do.
Oh wow… this one is way older than that!
Great. What have you got?
It says right here on the title page that is was printed by the Standard Printing Company on Broadway in New York City in the year 1050.
Excuse me… did you say it was printed in 1050?
That’s right… 1050!
It was printed on Broadway in New York City more than 950 years ago?
Sir, do you remember back in elementary school when they taught you about Christopher Columbus discovering the North American continent in 1492?
Do you remember that the first English settlers came over in the early 1600’s?
So New York City cannot possibly be any older than the 1600’s, right?
I guess so.
And let’s also keep in mind that the printing press was not invented
until the mid 1400’s.
I’m telling you it says right here on the title page, “New York City: 1050” and then right next to that “Broadway”.
Sir, that’s the street address where it was printed, not the year it was printed.
It was printed at 1050 Broadway in New York City.
It's All About Soul
I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you all offering such a great selection of ancient versions of the Bible.
We are happy to be of service… is there a particular version you are seeking?
Any of them are good… as long as they are more than a couple of decades old.
Actually, we only deal in Bibles that are more than 200 years old… but why do you say that?
Because Bible versions published within the past few decades were translated by committees that had people who were born through artificial insemination.
I’m sure that a significant percentage of our society was conceived with the assistance of modern fertility clinics that help couples trying to have a baby… but what does that have to do with anything?
Well… isn’t it obvious? People who were born through artificial insemination don’t have souls.
WHAT? Are you serious?
Absolutely. If they were born through any means other than normal sexual intercourse, then they do not have a soul.
You actually believe all these people are going to Hell because of how they were conceived?
No, they’re not going to Hell… they don’t have a soul at all. They might as well be zombies. And I don’t want any of them translating my Bible.
I guess the Youth Minister interning at my church as he finishes up seminary will be surprised to find out that he doesn’t even have a soul, when I tell him about this. As for our Bibles, I can personally guarantee that they are all 100% free of any zombie-translators or otherwise soulless publishers. Which credit card will you be using today?
King Jimmy visits Music City, USA
Are you the rare Bible dealer?
I got me a Bible here… it’s one of them 1611 First Editions of the King James Bible. I see you got them for sale on your website for over $100,000… and I wanna sell this here Bible to y’all.
Well, that’s great… can I ask you a few questions about it, to make sure that it is a 1611 First Edition?
Does it say that it was printed in London, England for King James?
No, it was printed in Nashville, Tennessee by the American Bible Society.
Sir, almost all King James Versions of the Bible SAY “1611” in the front somewhere, referencing that date as the date it was first printed… but that does not mean that copy was literally printed then.
Well, this one sure was… I can tell… it’s REAL old.
I’m sure it is sir, but if it’s a 1611 King James First Edition, what was King James of England doing in Nashville, Tennessee in 1611? Headlining at the Grand Ole Opry with Hank Williams, Sr’s great-great-great-grandfather?
Look, I don’t know nothin’ about King James… maybe he came over on a boat or something.
O.K., let’s look at this another way. What do we celebrate every fourth of July?
And what year did the thirteen colonies declare that independence?
That’s right. And was Tennessee one of the thirteen original colonies along the Atlantic coast of America?
Right again. So Tennessee did not exist as a state in 1611… or even 1711, did it?
Look… I don’t care nothin’ about that… it says right here that it’s a 1611 version printed by the American Bible Society in Nashville, Tennessee.
Why would the American Bible Society print the first edition of an English King’s Bible, much less almost two hundred years before the American Bible Society was founded?
I done told you, I don’t know nothin’ about that stuff. Now do you wanna buy this here Bible or not? I want $50,000 for it.
Well, sir… as Austin Powers said, “I want a solid gold toilet, baby… but it’s just not in the cards.” I’ve patiently tried to explain the obvious to you a number of different ways… but you are not listening to me.
Fine… Ill just sell it someone else then.
What do Mayflowers bring? Time-travelers?
Yes - my family had two Bibles that were printed in the mid-1800’s in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. They both came over on the Mayflower. My grandmother is very upset that we lost one of them, and my husband and I were wondering if you could sell us one just like it to replace the one we lost?
Wait a minute… back up. Did you say that these Bible were printed in the mid-1800’s in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania?
Yes, that’s correct.
And yet they also came over to America on the Mayflower?
First of all, the Mayflower finished all its voyages and was sold for scrap lumber in the early 1600’s… over two centuries before these Bibles were printed in the 1800’s. But aside from that, what I really want to know is, how can something that was printed in America come over to America on the Mayflower?
I don’t know, but that’s what my grandmother said happened,
and she would not lie about it. If
You can’t handle the truth.
Hello! I want you all to stop sending me this “Plain Truth” Magazine. I never subscribed to it, and I don’t want it coming to me any more.
Sir, we are not The Plain Truth Magazine. We are a company that sells ancient Bibles, and we recently took out an advertisement in the Plain Truth Magazine. We are just one of many advertisers in that magazine… we are not the magazine itself.
Well, that’s fine… but I want you to stop sending it to me.
I am not sending it to you.
Sure you are… I get it every month.
Sir, I just took out an ad in the magazine… you have the wrong number.
Well, put your manager on the phone, and let me talk with him.
I don’t have a manager… I own the company.
Well, if you own the company, surely you can make them stop sending it to me!
Listen to me! Do you subscribe to your local newspaper?
Would you pick up the newspaper and look under the Classified section, and then look under the heading for Trucks for Sale, and then look under the sub-heading of Ford trucks for sale, and then call a guy who is selling a 1985 Ford truck, and ask HIM to cancel your subscription to the news paper? Would that make any sense?
That’s what you are doing right now!
No, it’s not… I don’t want to cancel my subscription to the paper… I want you to stop sending me this “Plain Truth” Magazine.
OK… you win… I’ll stop sending it to you. Bye.
Yeah… I want to get me one a them Bibles that got “the law” in it? You got one of them?
I’m sorry… I don’t understand. What law?
You know… that special law… how things is supposed to be… all the law.
The Bible is a set of books that contain many different types of literature. The Bible contains history, poetry, prophecy, teaching, and yes… law. All Bibles contain these elements, including law.
No, no… I’m talking about THE LAW. You know… the law. Not all Bibles have it. This here is the special law… like all the way everything the way it’s supposed to be, and all the secret laws, and the laws of God that don’t nobody know about. All the law.
Sir… who have you been talking to, or what cult are you involved with?
No… it ain’t no cult. This is all the laws that nobody knows about anymore, but they been following them from thousands of years ago. They was in first Bible. You know the VERY FIRST Bible… that one.
I have no idea what you are talking about.
I heard the guy on the TV talking about it… I guess I’ll just have to call them.
Yes… that’s probably what you should do.
Something old, something new
Hey… I see that you sell leaves from William Tyndale’s 1536 New Testament.
Yes, we do.
My favorite passage has always been Isaiah Chapter 53. Can I get that passage from Tyndale’s New Testament?
Well… I’d like to help you out… but Isaiah is in the Old Testament.
Oh… so do those cost more?
No, that’s not what I’m saying. Tyndale’s New Testament is a NEW Testament. He never printed an OLD Testament, and Isaiah is in the Old Testament.
Oh… I get it. No problem… we’ll just go with
my second choice.
From the Tyndale NEW Testament?
Same problem, sir. Genesis is the first book of the Old Testament.
Oh, yeah! I knew that. Uh… let me think here…I guess I’ll just have to settle for one of Psalms then. Have you got Psalm 23?
Wouldn’t know a Bible if she saw one
Hello! I was wondering if you could help me figure out if this book is a Bible or not.
O.K. What language is it in?
Oh, it’s in English.
It’s in English?
Are you able to read English?
Oh… I understand now… you have never been exposed to the Bible, right? I’d be happy to help you.
Never exposed to the Bible? What do you mean? I was raised in Catholic school from 1st grade through high school. I go to mass every Christmas and Easter.
Didn’t they give you any exposure to the Bible at Catholic school… or at church?
Well, sure.. I guess so… but I’m no Bible scholar.
I understand that, and I don’t expect you to be. But do you mean to tell me that as an educated American… with Catholic school upbringing… you still, literally, would not know a Bible if you saw one?
That’s why I’m calling you.
O.K. Fine. What does it say at the top of the first book or chapter in this volume you have?
It says “An historical exposition upon the ancient mystical
books of early Rome”, and then it
No… that’s not a Bible.
Hi… I’m looking for a very rare Bible with a feature they don’t print in Bibles anymore.
Yes… what feature is that… the Apocrypha, perhaps?
No, I’m looking for a Bible that has the “Gynecology” in it.
Excuse me… did you say the “Gynecology”?
I’m afraid I don’t understand. Are you looking for a medical textbook or a Bible?
A Bible! You know how some of the old Bibles used to have a big section in the front where they showed exactly how one person gave birth to another person, who gave birth to another person… for thousands of years.
Oh! I know what you’re talking about. Why are you calling it the “Gynecology”?
Well, that’s what they call it. I mean… when people are giving birth, that’s about gynecology isn’t it?
Actually, that’s about obstetrics, but an obstetrician frequently is also a gynecologist, so I see where you were confused.
So it’s called the “Obstetrics”?
Well, no… I’m sorry… could I ask you to hold for just a moment? (At this point I have to put the phone on “mute” while I hold my sides laughing until I am in pain). O.K., sorry… I’m back. I think I know what you are trying to find. It’s called the “Genealogies”.
Yes, sir. That’s what they call a record of births in a family tree… and several of our ancient Bibles do have this wonderful feature, showing the lineage of mankind for the first four thousand years of history.
Well, that’s what I want.
And behold, they shall pick up Vipers
Hey… can I get a brochure on the new Dodge Viper?
Sir, you have the wrong number.
No… I just called the number I saw on TV: 1-800-4-A-DODGE.
Actually, you dialed 1-800-42-ANCIENT (1-800-422-6243). The “D” in “Dodge” is over the “3” key on your phone. You pressed the “2” key twice. It’s a common mistake. We actually sell ancient Bibles here… not automobiles.
Well, can you give me the right number?
What do you mean? You already have the “right number”…
Well, if I “already have the right number”, then why can’t you send me the brochure?
Because I am not the Dodge dealer.
Well, can’t you just connect me?
I’m not a telephone operator either.
Well, you’re not very helpful, are you?
How much more helpful can I be, than to specifically point out the exact error in your dialing, as I have just done, to assist you in getting it right next time? I could have just said, “sorry... wrong number”, and then hung up… but I went the extra mile to show you the exact error in dialing you made, so you don’t make the same mistake twice. Are you saying that you are not satisfied with the level of service that I have provided you as the recipient of your wrong-number call this evening?
It’s only one number different… I don’t see why you can’t just connect me to the right department, so I don’t have to figure out that alphabetical-number thing again.
Alright. I’ll connect you. Now, you’ll hear a click, followed by what sounds like a dial-tone. Just stay on the line until an operator becomes available.
No problem. It’s been my pleasure… and thank you for choosing the Dodge-Chrysler-Plymouth-Jeep family of companies. Click.
Hello. I need to place an order.
I would be happy to help you with that. What do you need?
I need 200 regular white and 200 brown, with the immunodeficiency to West Nile Virus.
What number did you dial?
1-800-422-MICE… it says right here on the mail-out that the number equivalent is 1-800-422-6243. Isn’t this Jackson Labs?
No. And “MICE” is actually spelled out on a telephone as “6423” not “6243”, which is OUR number.
Oh wow… so it’s actually not my fault… Jackson Labs has incorrectly printed their own phone number as YOUR phone number! They are the largest laboratory mice company in the country…you must get this call a lot.
Yes, we do. And before I let you go, let me ask you a question: In dealing with a laboratory, what is the ONE THING that is most important to you as a customer?
I guess that would have to be… accuracy. People’s lives depend on accuracy from the lab.
And you are dealing with a company that puts the wrong phone number on their own literature. So, when you hang up with me, are you still going to call Jackson Labs as your laboratory of choice?
Hmmm. Maybe not.
A wise decision, my friend. Your patients and their loved-ones would thank you. Have a nice day.
Appalled by Paul
Hi! You sell all the different types of rare Bibles, right?
Yes, we do. What is it that you seek?
I want to know if anyone has ever printed a Bible that has the Old Testament, and then instead of the New Testament… just the Gospels, and Acts, and the last few Epistles and Revelation… but none of the letters of Paul in the middle.
What? Why would anyone have done that? And why would you want that?
Because the Lord has made known to me that the Apostle Paul was the Antichrist and the False Prophet.
WHAT??? Are you serious? That’s crazy… what are you talking about?
The Lord has given me special revelation through his Holy Spirit that Paul was the Antichrist and the False Prophet. He slaughtered all the Christians, and he was a secret double-agent for Caesar. Paul was the one who committed the abomination of desolations, and he…
That’s enough. I don’t need to hear any more. Nobody has ever printed a Bible that did not contain the writing of Paul, which make up one-third of the New Testament.
You may not believe me, but the Holy Spirit has communed with my spirit, and…
Yes, you certainly have a spirit communing with you, but there is nothing
holy about it.
Everybody Wants To Rule The World
Hey, I’ve got this old Bible with a keyhole in the front cover, and an attached key.
Does the key release the clasps, and open the Bible?
No, but when you put the key into the hole and put your hand on the Bible and ask it a question, the key points to ‘YES’ or “NO’
Listen to me… the Bible is not your personal “Magic Eight Ball”, nor is it a “Ouija Board”. That nonsense is occultic, and it is blasphemous to even have a Bible associated with it.
Oh. Well, I was wondering if you could help me find another one like this one?
It looks like “Signs Point To No” on that question.
But, this Bible says that there is only one other one like it, and if one person ever had both of them together, he would rule the world.
Right. Aside from the obvious irony here that if you just READ the Bible, you will see that in the end, the Christians DO rule the world with Christ… why exactly do you want to get the other one and rule the world?
I dunno. I just think it would be cool, I guess.
Which is precisely why I would predict that you have no hope of ever ruling the world. Goodbye.
Hi! I found your website on GOOGLE, and I want to know if you have the TRUE Bible?
Which one is that?
The very first one… the 1611 King James.
Actually, the King James was not among the first of the English language
Bibles, but yes, we do have
Now, your facsimiles… these are exact photographic replicas of the original 1611… and they have not been changed like the ones today that call themselves King James Bibles, right?
That’s correct sir. These are exact photographic duplicates… identical to the real thing. The camera does not lie.
OK… that’s what I need… but first I want to find out about you.
About me? What do you want to know?
Now… are you all Christians?
Yes… I and both of my business partners are Christians. We have
a great passion for the material we
O.K., but do you worship God by His only TRUE name… Jehovah?
Actually, there are dozens of names for the Lord in the Bible, and
I would rather not get into that
Well, do you worship only on the TRUE Sabbath Day?
Again, I am not interested in debating whether the Sabbath should be
on Sunday or Saturday. Jesus said the Sabbath was made for man and not
man for the Sabbath.
Alright, but are you pre-tribulational rapture or post-tribulational rapture?
Neither… I’m not pre-millennial at all. It would take over an hour to summarize my eschatological views. Wouldn’t you rather ask some questions about the Bible you want to buy? Why do care so much about my personal theological views?
I’d like to know what you are trying to hide.
I’m not trying to hide anything! I’m running a business here. How can I help you today?
I want to know if you are a literal-six-day creationist, and what
your stances on infant baptism,
Wow. I’ll tell you what. You pick any ONE of those issues, and
I will tell you what I think. Beyond
I want to make sure I’m not giving my business to a heretic.
If you can’t answer all these
That’s funny, because I certainly don’t mind doing business with a heretic. In fact, the heretics need God’s Word more so than anyone else! I’ll tell you what, friend: you call me back when you are ready to respect my time, and talk about acquiring one of these wonderful Bibles for your home.
Turn Up the Volume
Hello, I have a question about this 1782 Bible offered for sale on your website.
Certainly… what is your question?
Well, I don’t understand why it’s called a “1782 Bible”.
That would be because it was printed in 1782.
All of the volumes?
It’s just one volume… what are you talking about?
Oh… I thought that “1782” meant that it was a 1,782-Volume Bible.
Are you kidding me?
No – I mean… it costs $3,000, so I figured that’s why it costs so much.
So, you thought it cost just under $2 per leather-bound volume, times nearly two thousand volumes?
Which would be only one page of the Bible per bound volume, right?
I guess so.
Almost two thousand books.. each with only one single page inside… all bound in leather? Enough to fill an entire room of your home with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, all delivered to your doorstep via … perhaps … a fully loaded 18-wheeler? All 1,782 volumes, each with a single page between their covers, as though bound by a lunatic… so you could fill your library with one book divided into nearly two thousand super-thin volumes? That’s your question?
Yes.OK… sure… we I can do that for you. The Bible is $3,000 and the genuine leather binding surcharge to bind each page individually at just $200 per book is $356,400, and the shipping via private freight hauler is another $3,000… making your total $362,400. How would you like to pay for that?
Saved By the Bel?
Hi, I’m looking for an ancient English Bible that does not refer to God as “LORD”.
Is that right? I’m curious… when did God stop being LORD?
Well, see… I’ve been studying it, and I’ve discovered that the word “LORD” is actually derived from the ancient name “BEL” which is a form of the name of the false god “BAAL”. So, every time we call God “LORD” we are actually calling Him by the name of a false god.
OK… I haven’t reached my daily quota of “crazy” yet today, so I’m going to indulge you a bit further here with this nonsense. First of all, no. There are no English Bibles that do not use the word “LORD” to refer to God. Second, do you contend that God has revealed this knowledge to you alone, and all Bibles ever printed are corrupt translations that assign to God the name of a false god?
Yes, that’s right. The entire world has been fooled by this conspiracy.
So, what Bible do you use now?
I have taken a bottle of White Out, and blotted out every appearance of the word “LORD” in my Bible, and replaced it with God’s only true name, “Jehovah”. And his son’s name isn’t really Jesus… it’s Yeshua. The Bible says there is only one name under heaven by which we are saved, so if we don’t use the right name, we don’t have any hope of salvation. God will not hear our prayers unless we…
Ding! Ding! Ding! I’m sorry… that sound indicates that I have reached “Maximum Crazy Person Tolerance Levels” for the day. I suggest that you stock up on White Out at your local office supply store. Goodbye.
Please...Just the Fax?
Hi, are you the Bible fax people?
We do sell facsimile reproductions of ancient Bibles, as well as the ancient genuine originals.
Right, see… I’m confused about what this Bible fax is.
Sir, I’m not sure why you are calling it a “Bible fax”… we never refer to the materials that way on our website.
That’s what everyone calls a “facsimile”… a “fax”… just like the “fax machine” in my office is a “facsimile machine”, right?
While you are correct that piece of office equipment known as a “fax machine” is actually a commonly-used shortened version of the outdated term “facsimile machine”; that really has nothing to do with our use of the term “facsimile reproduction” as it applies to Bibles.
Sure it does...I pay you, and then I can download the copy of the Bible through my fax machine, so it's a Bible fax, right?
Wow. That's just really weird. No. Why would you even want to do such a thing?
I don't. I want an actual bound-book style of the Bible.
Great. That's exactly what we sell. We don't offer download services or fax services. All of our Bibles are actual physical books with covers and bindings and pages inside, delivered to your door in a box via Fed Ex...not via phone lines or computer cables.
Then, why do you call these Bibles "facsimiles"?
That is explained in great detail on our website if you will take the time to read it, but the short answer is...because they are copies...reproductions...replicas..."facsimiles" of the orginals. The word "facsimile" does not refer exclusively to the office machine, it is a word with broad application referring to any copy or likeness or reproduction or replication.
So, these ARE faxes that come over my fax machine?
No. I just explained to you that this is not correct, and that they are books, and I explained our use of the common term "facsimile". What is the source of the ongoing confusion here?
Well, it sounds to me like you all don't sell actual bound Bibles. I don't even have a fax machine, so what you're selling is no good for me. I'll have to go somewhere else.
Yes, that is an excellent idea. Perhaps Circuit City or Best Buy can help you. Ask for their Rare Bible Department when you call.
The Numbers of the Beast?
Hi there. I just came across your website, and I saw that you sell facsimile reproductions of the 1611 King James Bible. I’m interested in that, because my church members and I are
I understand. Many hundreds of my customers are “King-James-Only” people, because we sell more 1611 King James Bible facsimiles than anyone in the world. We here at Greatsite.com, however, do not support that position, because we feel it is wrong to take a stand against the ongoing efforts of
Yeah… well, that’s fine… I’ve got a couple questions about your 1611 King James Facsimiles. First, I want to know if there is a page in the front that has a copyright date and an ISBN number?
Actually, yes, there is just one page in the front which has the legally required publication information, such as the publisher’s name, ISBN number, and “copyright” date… though in this case, because we have simply duplicated a centuries-old “public domain” book which we did not author, and which is far too old to be legally “copyrighted” anyway… that reference is merely a “publication date” formality, and it is in no way an actual enforceable copyright.
Well, I don’t like that one bit. If that page was not in the 1611, it should not be in your facsimile of the 1611. I thought you people claimed that your facsimiles were absolutely identical to the originals.
Yes, but I think we are “splitting hairs” here. You can easily take a razor blade and cut-out that one prefatory page, if you don’t want it to be present in your facsimile. It’s just one page.
I think we have another problem, though. I see you have a very small page number printed at the bottom of each page of your 1611 King James facsimile, and those page numbers are not in the original 1611.
Yes, but I have never had a customer complain about that or even mention it. Each page is a high-resolution digital photograph of each of the original book’s pages, and the Docu-Tech machine that prints and collates the pages also prints a very small and unobtrusive page number at the bottom to assist the binder in assembling the book correctly. The page number is not within the “image area” of each page; it is out in the blank margin area.
Well, if you read the Bible, you would know that the scriptures forbid you from numbering the pages. It says so in Revelation 22, about adding or taking away from the Bible. I could give you scripture after scripture about all this, but some people don’t care ‘cause they’re just out to sell a product, no matter what the outcome. You are going to get into big trouble with God about this.
Aside from the fact that what you just said is probably the most insane, asinine, ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life… I am curious about one thing… and I guess I better ask my question quickly before the wrath of God strikes me down for daring to publish His Word with page numbers: What Bible are you using right now, that looks identical to the 1611 King James, but has no page numbers and no publisher’s information page in the front?
I already have a couple of 1611 facsimiles – the type that you sell, with page numbers – but I have gone through every page with a black marker pen and blotted out every page number. It took a real long time, but it was the right thing to do. I think God is OK with it now. The problem is, that little black dot at the bottom of each page covering the page number is so distracting. It bothers me when I am trying to read it. I was hoping you might be able to sell me some without page numbers.
Wow. I am simply in awe it your level of narrow-minded idolatry and hard-core legalism. You have actually created an alternate reality in your mind, where God is pleased with you as His lone crusader in the world to rid His only acceptable Word – the 1611 King James Bible- of the evil page numbers that have blasphemed it and disfigured it for so long. But more importantly, I would like to congratulate you.
Congratulate me? For what?
There is a page on our website called the “Phone Call Hall of Shame”. You just made it. In fact, yours is the best one yet, so I am going to give it the position of highest honor, at the very bottom at that page… just like those evil page numbers… at the very bottom of each page. I can’t sell you anything, but I will strongly recommend that you consult your local telephone directory under the heading “Christian Mental Health Counselors”, and seek help before your obsessive behavior and delusional world crash down